unkle grumps.

a chain of unfortunate events happened over the past few days.. first, it was going out late every night, which angst my father and grounded me.. a few days later was doing "something" which made him even more pissed and grounded me even more.. then it was last night.. took my father's car out for supper, scraped a pillar and dented the whole door.. i was fucked.. totally in a state of shock.. i didn't know what to do.. i kept thinking, should i lie and say that it wasn't me and that making him think it was some idiot who knocked the car? or should i just tell the truth and get what i deserve? there were a few solutions for me, one was to fuck it, keep quiet about it, hoping he would not find out about it, until he goes to work, thinking that someone at the workplace knocked his car.. the next was to get a friend who has a license, and help me ask his parents to be in cahoots with me, saying my friend drove and take the blame, but i'll pay for the damage. but no one would help me on that, understandable.. or to just tell him the truth and get fucked.. the whole night i was at a loss.. i didn't know what to do.. but in the morning, i picked up my courage and told him the truth.. i kept thinking about the positive things.. like what would happen if i crashed instead.. it would be worse.. kept thinking that at least i wasn't the one getting dented.. but these thoughts cannot overthrow what i was thinking.. thinking about the consequences when i get home, thinking about how my father would feel, thinking about the amount i have to pay.. in the end, i told my father the truth.. i'm proud of myself of my courage to do so, but am hating myself for not thinking before i do things, hurtin gmy father's feelings all the time..

my whole life, i've let my parents down.. especially my father.. i really do love him alot, but time and time again, i do things that hurt him.. he has high blood pressure and i don't want any of what i do to affect his health.. i'm the worse in the family.. my medical bills cost a bomb.. can say in my whole life, about $20,000 - $30,000.. from head to toe, i've got an op.. sigh.. other things, like stealing, drinking till i get drunk (my father had to come bring me home), s*****g, lying, wanting to commit suicide, everything.. all these made him hurt, and thinking back on what he's done for me my whole life, which is a whole fucking lot, i really do regret my actions, and i fell hurt too, for hurting my father.. i'm at a loss now.. losing almost everything.. its time i buck up, think about my life, what's gonna happen in the future.. i can't live in this shit-hole anymore.. it sucks.. really, it sucks.. i know my father loves me alot, but i keep doing things that disappoint him, and i tell you, that feeling sucks.. cos i do love my father a hell lot too.. what he's been doing, his whole life, everything was for us, his children.. i'm starting to realise this.. when he lectures me or bashes me up, i won't retaliate.. i know i'm in the wrong, and i love him to even touch him back.. Dad, i'm really sorry for everything.. I love you dad.. you're the most important person in my life..

all these, i say from the bottom of my heart.. its time i do something about it.. no more shit for me.. and i'm hell serious about this..

sigh

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